Broken Barriers
by W0lf Star
Summary: Elizabeth struggles with her feelings for John while trying to prevent these feelings from spilling over into the way she runs Atlantis.


**Title**: Broken Barriers

**Author**: Wolf Star

**Fandom**: SGA

**Pairing**: Shepard/Weir

**Rating**: PG (maybe as much as PG-13 but only barely)

**Spoilers**: through **Trinity**

**Disclaimer**: Characters, Galaxy, etc are not mine, but I do use them freely!

**Notes**: I promised myself that I would write a S/W fic today, and this is the result. It is totally all my fault as it is un-betaed, so blame any badness on me!

**Broken Barriers**

She kept trying to fight it, to push it out of her mind, to return to the illusion of being a sane and rational leader. In the end, she knew it was a loosing battle and fighting would only make her lapses in concentration that much more obvious. Elizabeth kept returning to the moment in which relief and exuberance had won out over all the barriers she had carefully assembled for her interactions with John. She could still feel his arms around her as she clung to him needing to prove to herself that he was alive.

At the time, she had to use all her strength to keep herself from kissing him in front of the entirety of Atlantis. Even then, the kiss had only just barely been avoided.

She realized her struggle to maintain her professionalism wouldn't be nearly as hard if it weren't for John's ability to get himself into life-and-death situations at least once a week. She used to tell herself that she would become immune to the pain over time. She used to believe it was only fear for the life of an invaluable member of her team that caused the knots in her stomach each time she had to send him into danger.

She finally stopped believing that particular lie when she thought him dead. When he was dead, she allowed herself to love him, because it could no longer effect her ability to lead Atlantis. She had reasoned that only by allowing herself to love him would she be able to mourn him properly.

But then he had come back to life, walking into Atlantis as if nothing had ever been wrong.

She spent the next few weeks after that attempting to rebuild the walls she had so expertly erected before, but it was no use. Love took over her heart and soul. Each time she heard his voice her heart skipped a beat. When he was in the room all she wanted was to stare into his eyes and to once again feel his arms around her.

During that time her will grew weaker and weaker, and she had finally made up her mind to do something about it. She couldn't have these feelings interfering with her job as much as they were.

This is how she had ended up in John's room just as Rodney came by to plead for his support in allowing another test of the new weapon of the Ancients. She had spent that conversation just out of sight holding a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing.

Hearing Rodney beg John to beg her to allow continued testing of the weapon caused her to realize just how unprofessional she really had been. If Rodney knew the way to get to her was through John, then most of the staff on Atlantis must know.

After he left, John turned back to her, breaking her train of thought.

"Sorry about that, but you know there is no way to shut Rodney up once he gets started."

"Do you agree with him?"

"He sounds fairly confident."

"John, Rodney _always_ sounds confident. Do you agree with him?"

"I think it may be worth giving him another try. Can you imagine having a weapon of that power? We would be able to save the entire galaxy."

"Or we could destroy it. Even Rodney said there was a chance it would tear a hole in the universe."

"It would only be another test. I'll do my best to keep him under control. You can trust me on that."

"Ok," she sighed. "I will at least think about this. Talk to me later."

John opened his mouth as if to say something, but she continued. "I won't discuss this any more without hearing some more opinions."

She had just effectively shut down all conversation. She couldn't speak with him of her feelings now. Not after this.

"I have to go and think for a little while. Maybe we can talk later? I need to speak with you on a different matter that isn't appropriate right now."

"Sure," was the entirety of his reply, but when she looked into his eyes and held his gaze for a few moments she knew he would be looking forward to that conversation.

That conversation came when he returned from Doranda, and she had almost lost him once again. She found herself yelling at Rodney. She lost control with the man because he had almost killed John not because of his grave miscalculation brought on by his over-engorged ego.

So she asked John to meet with her in his quarters to continue what she had tried to start before. She had to know how it would turn out now before she made a mess of Atlantis.

He was late in getting there, saying he had run into Rodney on the way, but she didn't care enough to ask what had been said.

"John, I need to tell you something, and I hope this doesn't change things."

"I'm sorry. I made a bad call trusting Rodney, and I shouldn't have brought you into it."

"I let you go. It is as much my fault as your own. But that isn't what I have wanted to speak with you about. I actually don't know where to begin. Can I say something to you in total confidence?"

She saw a series of emotions cross his face. Maybe she shouldn't have said anything. Maybe…

"You can say anything to me. You know that, Elizabeth."

"It's just. It's just that this is more personal," she began, fear beginning to tie her tongue in knots. "I haven't been leading as well as I should be. I've barely prevented myself from making calls that could jeopardize entire missions."

"I don't understand. Nobody else thinks this. Why do you?"

"Because they aren't inside my head. Every time you leave…"

She stopped, realizing she had just gone past the point where she could take it all back. He was just looking at her, looking into her eyes, and she imagined that he was pleading with her to go on.

Taking a deep breath, she did just that. "Every time you leave, I'm afraid you won't come back."

She started to cry. She couldn't remember that last time she had cried in front of another person. She hadn't even cried in front of Simon. And then, suddenly, John's arms were around her. They both sunk down to his bed with him stroking her hair while sobs wracked her body.

When she looked up, he took her face in his hand and kissed her. She kissed him back and smiled. At least one question was answered. The rest could wait until later.


End file.
